All my life I struggled to materialise a faint dream. A dream to be able to identify myself among the crowd and not another lost soul in the sea of heads popping up and down in unison. Prisoners of mediocre thought and life. Could it all seep through my fingers so easily like water running off my hand. How could it be?
Was I building a castle of sand, so vulnerable to the cruelty of waves that could joyfully come and sweep away even the last trace of my existence or was I making a pyramid out of a pack of cards that would come crashing down at a little tremor?
WHY ME ? The thought fogs my mind with a feeling that chills my spine. Why does this always have to happen with me? Just when I think, that my life has eventually taken a kick-start and heading in the right direction. There comes my fate, faithfully strutting around like a young stallion full of vigour, once again playing its old worn out tricks.
Which I’m so use to and familiar with by now, that I can literally foresee what lies ahead like some psychic with the ability of seeing visions of the future.
But here it’s my instincts that are leading me by my nose, giving my past experiences the green light to destroy my present for a beautiful future.
Am I going to give into denial and lose myself to nothingness?
Denial to accept my situation as it is. It’s only when you place your two feet at the bottom of a pit that you can push yourself back up again.
Denying the truth and closing my eyes to the fact of “Why not me? instead of Why me?” adds to an unexplainable anguish, creating tremendous discomfort and draining me of every emotion.
Yet I opt for denial instead of acceptance?
Replaying my inner voice again and again like a drone, buzzing to a momentum of agony. Why is the world doing this to me? or Is it what I’m doing to myself?
Bella couldn’t help but bleed out her feelings into her Diary while she sat detached from herself and her past.
Watching herself from a distance in a complete state of awareness. Where she was able to evaluate her own thoughts.
For Bella It was a moment that comes in the lives of most of us at some point of time, when we feel victimized by circumstances and reach between the verge of breaking down and gaining strength from everything that was supposed to destroy us.
The more we concentrate on the negative the more we subconsciously work towards it happening. If this is not true then why do people use the phrase of “Mind over matter”or “If a person works hard towards something the entire universe works in favour of him”.
The average brain weighs only about 3 pounds and in terms of length about 15 centimetres long. That is a very small portion compared to our body. Yet it has the power to control our motor, sensory and stimulus actions and reactions.
Though there are exceptions for some and we don’t need to weight their brain to know if it’s healthy and working properly. Ironically their conduct is enough to make it evident that their brain is the size of a walnut.
However it’s how we condition or the way our brain is trained to process or cultivate ideas is that inspires our outlook towards life and governs the type of person we are or turn out to be.
If we change the melancholic WHY ME? attitude to the challenging, courageous WHY NOT ME? or TRY ME! attitude. Half of our miseries will vanish in less than a fraction of time leaving a sudden change in the way we feel about ourselves as well as our problems for as the saying goes, THERE IS A SOLUTION FOR EVERY PROBLEM.
Once we learn to light a candle instead of cursing the darkness, we will be able to rise from the valleys of glum despair, wrapped in the shroud of warmth and comfort, awakening in the arms of a new horrizon.
© Annadine Charles.